What doesn't kill you makes you the Hulk.

It's been some time since I have last found the urge to share. Well, let's update. In the past 3 months, I've moved, become unemployed, and upon graduating went back to school for more certification courses while I'm trying to get into another CDP program for nursing. Don't even bother worrying about if I've found a job or not: all you need to know is that it's a tough market and I'm putting out 3 or 4 apps a day on average.

Things aren't perfect yet. They are far from it. With moving came new challenges that I don't think people think about until they have the time on their hands to do so. I love my new home. Particularly, because it is very near to the beach and the sun in always an extra bar of happiness. I love the community and exciting wildlife (Kougars, Armadillos, and Scorpion EEK). I even love the random monsoons :). What I don't love is the loss of a social network. In our home-towns we know everyone and where everything is. There is always somewhere to go and mingle. Even when a freshly graduated adolescent goes to college. There are hundreds of other fresh grads who all have the same thing in common---no one know anyone else. The difference as an adult is when you are put into a new environment with no job, limited resources, AND your a fresh college grad those other individuals that shared a common ground with you disappear. I realize this isn't always the case, per say, but very often we venture out without the comfort of our support systems.

Now, granted I had a limited social circle in NY. If you've followed you know why. But, I still miss the closeness with my parents and with my best friends. On the flip-side, I have been blessed in rekindling a relationship that bulldozes past skepticisms. Richard is a gem and without him I probably would have been a really angry and bitter person. He taught me to stop and breathe. I never seem to forget to smile around him because it's, well, I guess I love him. :) Our story is something that I took casually for too long. I spent years obsessing over a fairytale I imagined in my head, all because I figured the one in front of me was too easy. Why don't I ever do things the easy way? He offered himself to me even before he verbalized it. I on the other hand figured that if he was that awesome when we were 12 I was bound to run into Mr. perfect soon. Well, I forgot that children in their innocence are the best you'll ever have. Or, I should say that I didn't learn that until I hit rock bottom. I am blessed to say I feel in love with my best friend---literally.

It's hard having a degree and feeling like in this economy it's worthless. Think about it you spend nights, days, months, and years striving to become something because until this point everyone made sure you understood that without that piece of paper you're nothing. Fast forward, now holding this Degree, somehow you're still nothing. Cost of living goes up. Gas goes up. Cost of an education goes up. Student loans are getting bigger. Salaries stand still and lay-offs begin. Apps go out, but no jobs come in. It's truly a viscous cycle. I'm more worried about my generation' children. What kind of world will they live in? Is it worth having kids if I can't hope to give them more than my parents gave me? Isn't that the dream to be able to give your children more than you had? Well, why then, AMERICA, are we regressing? Why aren't jobs being made? Last question. What happened to paper applications!!!??? Every facility I walk into (yes I physically go) directs potential hires to the HR website. Do these companies really believe that they will find a quality individual electronically? In my eyes the first impression isn't the interview---not even the application/resume, it's in those first few introducing steps while asking for an application and whether or not that company is hiring. Because companies talk. Especially when a newbie comes in, managers do ask employees for impressions. I miss those days. But, this too shall pass, and I soon shall work.

Until then I'll continue working on me. I've brought back painting and I'm finding that my cooking skills are pretty awesome :) Babcia would be proud. Time for shut eye, I have a long day of making myself busy and taking on amazing responsibilities to keep my pleasing needs met.

Poems

 Free for Miles

             Written by, Elizabeth Borkowski 

She felt her spirit climb

Concur the world,

A ‘top of this mount,

She should be the grandest soul

Humble and compliant is she

A lung full of freedom,

Her freedom.

Humble and meek is she.

Miles of nothing but her voice

I wonder.

Who will hear it?

Like lightening on a sunny day

I've realized that the majority of my life is spent pleasing everyone but myself. How can people be so blind to the turmoil one can endure simply to make them happy? Then, on top of it all those that are "people pleasers" become masters of obeying. I hate that. I hate people tell me what to do and they try to make me do it even if I don't want to. Damnit. I am so fed up with all the stress and shit. I am looking for a life of simplicity and soaring-spirits.

This little butterfly is spreading her wings. If you are, no matter who you are, make sure you say what you need to say. Don’t beat around the bushes. Simply tell me what your opinion is and be mature enough to respect mine. Men are worse; there is a random day here and there that they go temporarily insane without explanation. I'm just going to continue doing me and soaking up the time with my parents. :)

mini-meltdowns

       The air is cold. So is my heart. I can't seem to call that kindness. That eagerness to please all around me. my words are so off-th-cuff sometimes I feel their sting. But, do you blame me? So often let down, I don't have faith enough to believe it will all last. When I need it, it's not there. That little umph, that little drive to step near the edge. But, what will catch me when I fall? Is anyone really out there? Or are they always around me? Am I so protected by my own blinders that I won't let them in? Are they strong enough to tear down the scaffolding in my soul and rip down the Great Wall of Distrust around my heart?

       Sometimes I wonder if although I say to live life with no regrets, I really may not be able to live up to it. I regret a lot in my life. I regret the both the things that made me such a great person now and killed the person I used to be. I miss her. I miss the glee and the sureness she had. I miss loving love and believing in fairy tales. I would love to turn the hourglass back over and rewind to the child. I want to go back and save the child that is lying there lost and broken somewhere. Forgotten. Abandoned.

      I truly don't think anyone is strong enough to fight my demons. I really wouldn't want you too. But, if you do choose to stand at my side, I would hope that you are blessed with the patients to accept me for all my wasted potential, every clumsily stitched up scar, every unexpected tear, and take them in stride. I have meltdowns privately while in public. I'm perfect at smiling at you with all the right things to say, even though inside I am defending and fighting at the same time. I feel like a waste of space although I'm constantly trying to convince myself and everyone else that I believe otherwise. I fear assassination. I fear its already been done.

     I want to talk, but I can't explain. I can't explain because I don't understand. It just makes sense in my head. I can't tell you how I feel or put it into words without feeling Emo-freakish. I want to share with you but I can't explain. Fall back, take a look at me and you'll I'm for real. Don't call me with a compromise, certain things are out of control in my head. Breakdown. Thats what I'm scared of...

     I know I can never win. Why should I have to wait, just look the other way? All these dreams have come to an end. Seems like yesterday I fell fast out of the sky, and tomorrow I might not get by. But i have to try. Everyday is a new day I'm reminded of my past. So many highs and lows. My head spins. but my skin is thicker. I'm a blossoming fighter. I just need to get over the hate.

Who would have thought?

                         I'm strong and enlightened, beautiful and deep, fragile and kind; at least this is what everyone keeps telling me. I feel alone. How do you come to terms with that? I have my mom, who is my best friend in the entire world, and my dad, the hero that of my life. Then why do I feel so alone? I can not trust men. I can not come to think that I can depend on anyone but myself. They all hurt, they through dagger that slice like words. They all take the best parts of me and leave---one way or another.
                        I deserve respect, damn it, I deserve understanding, passion, love, and light-hearted happy days. I am a women, and a phenomenal one at that. So I dare, anyone who things they are gonna put me back in the whole that I clawed my ways out of. I DEMAND equality in my life from all who are in it. You have no right to judge me when I have clearly been through more than little boys wet their beds over. My world was a "horror" movie and what was taken from me is truly a tear-jerker. I am plagued by images, and memories, that cackle up my spine and scream out my eyes. In the silence of the night I fear the little tapping from branches wondering, 'what if the dream is t he tapping?'. I saunter through this ordinary world with its' ordinary people and their ordinary routines. What if your usual days were agitated? 
                       The veil that I shield my self with is epic. The very threads of the armor is composed of words that I repeated to myself, prayers I recited, and faces I hoped to have the honor of memorizing again. I have been bathed in pansophy which isn't always filled with acumen but, still, I can see the reasoning behind it. My mind sometimes feels clouded and foggy. Almost as if I spend my days sauntering through the gentle mists of Avalon. Here we are all equal. The truths though, can be nauseating but the intractability of others has heavier weigh. There is no way to be elusive. I am sitting in the dinning-room and writing this blog knowing that few, if any will so much as realize it's there.
                   The analog dials are spinning, the hands are ticking, and the house is making it's presence alive. I am not alone here, there are those who shift around me. <laughing> I'm used to it. One's mind creates Utopia when it fears altering. If everyone cleaved the true secrets of this world and the people in it chaos would ensue and everyone would be like me. "A little mad". But, see madness is ordinary behind my armor. The faucet is dripping I suppose I should close it before it overflows. I wonder, how many of those out there will ask me how I handle it, if I handle it, or what my nightmares scream at me when I close my eyes. Reality overcomes me and nothing else matters. 

Ureeka!!!!

While reluctantly driving to work today and after a long night of emotional conversation with my mother, it dawned on me: Treat every moment like a picturesque opportunity that only gets one moment before it expires. Life is so short, and the further along in years I get and the further along I see my family and friends go I see the way time ages us. Each line another street we walked in our life, another lesson, another heartbreak, another chapters end. By the time we are ready to close our eyes for the last time, we should have a novel written upon our faces.

There was a time over this time I was gone, that I thought it was the last time I would be able to fall on my knees and pray. I remember the anger and the rage in his eyes. I remember the desolate orchard and the thoughts that sped through my head. What will my parents do? Will I be able to tell them I love them? Will I make away, will anyone hear me? Should I take a chance and run, should I stay and beg? Will he kill me, or will I get him first?
Its virtually impossible to reinvent the atmosphere, the wet grass, the folds of the orchard and the escape route I somehow winged. His only mistake was teaching me a thing or two about shotguns... I was able to get away.  I remember running through the rows of apple trees, ducking the branches, picking myself up, and trying to carry my legs and breathe at the same time. I remember asking myself while watching those stupid horror movies ' why don't you just run, is it that hard?', well, my question was answered that night. My legs felt like they were dragging anvils. With ever dip my knees buckled and I would struggle to my feet. I remember the thicket were I found grace and my guardian angel was obviously waiting for me. Something told me to hush my steps and calm my breathing. The first thing was that I need to relieve myself because the fear within me made my bladder weaker than an elders. I saw the moonlight breaking through the trees and expose an up-rooted tree. I wanted to hide behind a standing tree, but something told me, again, to go to the fallen tree. So, I laid down as quietly as I could and buried myself into the dirt where the tree met the ground---on the darkened side of-course. I clawed my hands into the wet dirt and flattened my body so if by chance he would walk through the thicket I would be one with the earth. "ashes to ashes, dust to dust", with my face down into the wet dirt I smelled the life the freedom in the soil. In my mind I quickly began reciting every pray to God that I remembered and watered the ground with my please. I heard his voice in the near-distance, taunting me, trying to cox me out. "Elizabeth... Cooome on, its me... I promise I was kidding." Kidding? Yes that was so funny, you know, starring down the barrel of that gun. All because I was three dollars short for that weeks rent. Its a scary thought to think that you will not be able to see "the light of day". The sun, it is such a blessing, and we forget to appreciate God's gifts. Our family, nuclear and out-stretched, they need to recognize that we only have one blood line. I feel like Tiny Tim this year. I wish Babcia was here, she would know what to do. She would give me the strength to bring our hearts together.

Interpersonal Communication

I had a customer come in today. She was very frustrated because I was told that the restroom was Out of Order, and in-turn, I had declined her from using the facility. Well, she blew a stink at the manager because "How dare we tell her that she can not use the bathroom! She DEMANDS to see it for herself!!" Then one top of that she came BACK to the store and actually stayed there extra long and very near my register. The only thing I could think of was that ,movie Drag Me to Hell when the old gypsy lady curses the young girl because she doesn't give her an extension on her loan. I kind of felt that way today like this lady was gonna sink her teeth deep into my flesh and show up damn-near everywhere. Ugh...that's all I need is some senile nutcase running around trying to voodoo my ass. :)      

The real question today is why we as humans forget to acknowledge one-another. For example, I was driving home from Pleasantville (fitting name no?) today and was approaching a traffic light that I saw was already seconds away from turning red. So, naturally, I slowed down so I wouldn't cause an accident. After-all, its not like I need one right now I have enough going on. Well, upon coming to a stop I noticed the guy behind me screaming "You stupid bitch you should have gone!". A little angry, I turned my body around so he had a clear view of my face and I mouthed right back do you have a problem? The look on his face was absolutely priceless, like a kid who just messed his pants on accident this man looked at me like "Oh sh** I go caught." He quickly re-thought what was happening and began giving me sarcastic and inappropriate gestures. Still, though I am surprised that as a breed of fellowship, human-beings can not find it in one another to respectfully acknowledge each other without passing judgement. What happened to the days when people would ask "How are you?" and actually wait to hear the answer....