Who would have thought?

                         I'm strong and enlightened, beautiful and deep, fragile and kind; at least this is what everyone keeps telling me. I feel alone. How do you come to terms with that? I have my mom, who is my best friend in the entire world, and my dad, the hero that of my life. Then why do I feel so alone? I can not trust men. I can not come to think that I can depend on anyone but myself. They all hurt, they through dagger that slice like words. They all take the best parts of me and leave---one way or another.
                        I deserve respect, damn it, I deserve understanding, passion, love, and light-hearted happy days. I am a women, and a phenomenal one at that. So I dare, anyone who things they are gonna put me back in the whole that I clawed my ways out of. I DEMAND equality in my life from all who are in it. You have no right to judge me when I have clearly been through more than little boys wet their beds over. My world was a "horror" movie and what was taken from me is truly a tear-jerker. I am plagued by images, and memories, that cackle up my spine and scream out my eyes. In the silence of the night I fear the little tapping from branches wondering, 'what if the dream is t he tapping?'. I saunter through this ordinary world with its' ordinary people and their ordinary routines. What if your usual days were agitated? 
                       The veil that I shield my self with is epic. The very threads of the armor is composed of words that I repeated to myself, prayers I recited, and faces I hoped to have the honor of memorizing again. I have been bathed in pansophy which isn't always filled with acumen but, still, I can see the reasoning behind it. My mind sometimes feels clouded and foggy. Almost as if I spend my days sauntering through the gentle mists of Avalon. Here we are all equal. The truths though, can be nauseating but the intractability of others has heavier weigh. There is no way to be elusive. I am sitting in the dinning-room and writing this blog knowing that few, if any will so much as realize it's there.
                   The analog dials are spinning, the hands are ticking, and the house is making it's presence alive. I am not alone here, there are those who shift around me. <laughing> I'm used to it. One's mind creates Utopia when it fears altering. If everyone cleaved the true secrets of this world and the people in it chaos would ensue and everyone would be like me. "A little mad". But, see madness is ordinary behind my armor. The faucet is dripping I suppose I should close it before it overflows. I wonder, how many of those out there will ask me how I handle it, if I handle it, or what my nightmares scream at me when I close my eyes. Reality overcomes me and nothing else matters. 

Ureeka!!!!

While reluctantly driving to work today and after a long night of emotional conversation with my mother, it dawned on me: Treat every moment like a picturesque opportunity that only gets one moment before it expires. Life is so short, and the further along in years I get and the further along I see my family and friends go I see the way time ages us. Each line another street we walked in our life, another lesson, another heartbreak, another chapters end. By the time we are ready to close our eyes for the last time, we should have a novel written upon our faces.

There was a time over this time I was gone, that I thought it was the last time I would be able to fall on my knees and pray. I remember the anger and the rage in his eyes. I remember the desolate orchard and the thoughts that sped through my head. What will my parents do? Will I be able to tell them I love them? Will I make away, will anyone hear me? Should I take a chance and run, should I stay and beg? Will he kill me, or will I get him first?
Its virtually impossible to reinvent the atmosphere, the wet grass, the folds of the orchard and the escape route I somehow winged. His only mistake was teaching me a thing or two about shotguns... I was able to get away.  I remember running through the rows of apple trees, ducking the branches, picking myself up, and trying to carry my legs and breathe at the same time. I remember asking myself while watching those stupid horror movies ' why don't you just run, is it that hard?', well, my question was answered that night. My legs felt like they were dragging anvils. With ever dip my knees buckled and I would struggle to my feet. I remember the thicket were I found grace and my guardian angel was obviously waiting for me. Something told me to hush my steps and calm my breathing. The first thing was that I need to relieve myself because the fear within me made my bladder weaker than an elders. I saw the moonlight breaking through the trees and expose an up-rooted tree. I wanted to hide behind a standing tree, but something told me, again, to go to the fallen tree. So, I laid down as quietly as I could and buried myself into the dirt where the tree met the ground---on the darkened side of-course. I clawed my hands into the wet dirt and flattened my body so if by chance he would walk through the thicket I would be one with the earth. "ashes to ashes, dust to dust", with my face down into the wet dirt I smelled the life the freedom in the soil. In my mind I quickly began reciting every pray to God that I remembered and watered the ground with my please. I heard his voice in the near-distance, taunting me, trying to cox me out. "Elizabeth... Cooome on, its me... I promise I was kidding." Kidding? Yes that was so funny, you know, starring down the barrel of that gun. All because I was three dollars short for that weeks rent. Its a scary thought to think that you will not be able to see "the light of day". The sun, it is such a blessing, and we forget to appreciate God's gifts. Our family, nuclear and out-stretched, they need to recognize that we only have one blood line. I feel like Tiny Tim this year. I wish Babcia was here, she would know what to do. She would give me the strength to bring our hearts together.

Interpersonal Communication

I had a customer come in today. She was very frustrated because I was told that the restroom was Out of Order, and in-turn, I had declined her from using the facility. Well, she blew a stink at the manager because "How dare we tell her that she can not use the bathroom! She DEMANDS to see it for herself!!" Then one top of that she came BACK to the store and actually stayed there extra long and very near my register. The only thing I could think of was that ,movie Drag Me to Hell when the old gypsy lady curses the young girl because she doesn't give her an extension on her loan. I kind of felt that way today like this lady was gonna sink her teeth deep into my flesh and show up damn-near everywhere. Ugh...that's all I need is some senile nutcase running around trying to voodoo my ass. :)      

The real question today is why we as humans forget to acknowledge one-another. For example, I was driving home from Pleasantville (fitting name no?) today and was approaching a traffic light that I saw was already seconds away from turning red. So, naturally, I slowed down so I wouldn't cause an accident. After-all, its not like I need one right now I have enough going on. Well, upon coming to a stop I noticed the guy behind me screaming "You stupid bitch you should have gone!". A little angry, I turned my body around so he had a clear view of my face and I mouthed right back do you have a problem? The look on his face was absolutely priceless, like a kid who just messed his pants on accident this man looked at me like "Oh sh** I go caught." He quickly re-thought what was happening and began giving me sarcastic and inappropriate gestures. Still, though I am surprised that as a breed of fellowship, human-beings can not find it in one another to respectfully acknowledge each other without passing judgement. What happened to the days when people would ask "How are you?" and actually wait to hear the answer....

Elezbieta Myśli: FOOD InC

Elezbieta Myśli: FOOD InC

FOOD InC

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The new age

We are all kinda like drones when you think about it. We all get up the same way we all brush our teeth the same way and we all shit the same way. But, we don't pray the same way and we don't love the same way. We surely don't believe the same things anymore. But, I wonder, has anyone questioned what we do believe in? What about people my age do they know what they want or where they want to go? Is all hope lost? Are we all just accepting the fate of disaster that we feel creeping up behind us like a stalker in a cold, and otherwise, lonely night.

Did you ever notice that human beings are the only animal that cohabitants with all its species? That thought came to me the other day while I was eating my salad made up of antibiotics and ethyl acid. It occurred to me that I don't speak my mind very much. It occurred to me that I'm scared for my kids. I watched Food Inc today by Robert Kenneth and it was a bit disturbing. THe food industry is a large disturbia of chemicals, abuse, and everything but farms. We have no problem spending our hard earned money on fast food and yet buying eggs or vegetables, or saving our money and growing our own; at least during the appropriate seasons. So as I sit here lost in my vast little world, I wonder what will come of me and of my family. Is the damage from the "food" we ingest so far gone that a healthy family is a long stretch?

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