mini-meltdowns

       The air is cold. So is my heart. I can't seem to call that kindness. That eagerness to please all around me. my words are so off-th-cuff sometimes I feel their sting. But, do you blame me? So often let down, I don't have faith enough to believe it will all last. When I need it, it's not there. That little umph, that little drive to step near the edge. But, what will catch me when I fall? Is anyone really out there? Or are they always around me? Am I so protected by my own blinders that I won't let them in? Are they strong enough to tear down the scaffolding in my soul and rip down the Great Wall of Distrust around my heart?

       Sometimes I wonder if although I say to live life with no regrets, I really may not be able to live up to it. I regret a lot in my life. I regret the both the things that made me such a great person now and killed the person I used to be. I miss her. I miss the glee and the sureness she had. I miss loving love and believing in fairy tales. I would love to turn the hourglass back over and rewind to the child. I want to go back and save the child that is lying there lost and broken somewhere. Forgotten. Abandoned.

      I truly don't think anyone is strong enough to fight my demons. I really wouldn't want you too. But, if you do choose to stand at my side, I would hope that you are blessed with the patients to accept me for all my wasted potential, every clumsily stitched up scar, every unexpected tear, and take them in stride. I have meltdowns privately while in public. I'm perfect at smiling at you with all the right things to say, even though inside I am defending and fighting at the same time. I feel like a waste of space although I'm constantly trying to convince myself and everyone else that I believe otherwise. I fear assassination. I fear its already been done.

     I want to talk, but I can't explain. I can't explain because I don't understand. It just makes sense in my head. I can't tell you how I feel or put it into words without feeling Emo-freakish. I want to share with you but I can't explain. Fall back, take a look at me and you'll I'm for real. Don't call me with a compromise, certain things are out of control in my head. Breakdown. Thats what I'm scared of...

     I know I can never win. Why should I have to wait, just look the other way? All these dreams have come to an end. Seems like yesterday I fell fast out of the sky, and tomorrow I might not get by. But i have to try. Everyday is a new day I'm reminded of my past. So many highs and lows. My head spins. but my skin is thicker. I'm a blossoming fighter. I just need to get over the hate.