What doesn't kill you makes you the Hulk.

It's been some time since I have last found the urge to share. Well, let's update. In the past 3 months, I've moved, become unemployed, and upon graduating went back to school for more certification courses while I'm trying to get into another CDP program for nursing. Don't even bother worrying about if I've found a job or not: all you need to know is that it's a tough market and I'm putting out 3 or 4 apps a day on average.

Things aren't perfect yet. They are far from it. With moving came new challenges that I don't think people think about until they have the time on their hands to do so. I love my new home. Particularly, because it is very near to the beach and the sun in always an extra bar of happiness. I love the community and exciting wildlife (Kougars, Armadillos, and Scorpion EEK). I even love the random monsoons :). What I don't love is the loss of a social network. In our home-towns we know everyone and where everything is. There is always somewhere to go and mingle. Even when a freshly graduated adolescent goes to college. There are hundreds of other fresh grads who all have the same thing in common---no one know anyone else. The difference as an adult is when you are put into a new environment with no job, limited resources, AND your a fresh college grad those other individuals that shared a common ground with you disappear. I realize this isn't always the case, per say, but very often we venture out without the comfort of our support systems.

Now, granted I had a limited social circle in NY. If you've followed you know why. But, I still miss the closeness with my parents and with my best friends. On the flip-side, I have been blessed in rekindling a relationship that bulldozes past skepticisms. Richard is a gem and without him I probably would have been a really angry and bitter person. He taught me to stop and breathe. I never seem to forget to smile around him because it's, well, I guess I love him. :) Our story is something that I took casually for too long. I spent years obsessing over a fairytale I imagined in my head, all because I figured the one in front of me was too easy. Why don't I ever do things the easy way? He offered himself to me even before he verbalized it. I on the other hand figured that if he was that awesome when we were 12 I was bound to run into Mr. perfect soon. Well, I forgot that children in their innocence are the best you'll ever have. Or, I should say that I didn't learn that until I hit rock bottom. I am blessed to say I feel in love with my best friend---literally.

It's hard having a degree and feeling like in this economy it's worthless. Think about it you spend nights, days, months, and years striving to become something because until this point everyone made sure you understood that without that piece of paper you're nothing. Fast forward, now holding this Degree, somehow you're still nothing. Cost of living goes up. Gas goes up. Cost of an education goes up. Student loans are getting bigger. Salaries stand still and lay-offs begin. Apps go out, but no jobs come in. It's truly a viscous cycle. I'm more worried about my generation' children. What kind of world will they live in? Is it worth having kids if I can't hope to give them more than my parents gave me? Isn't that the dream to be able to give your children more than you had? Well, why then, AMERICA, are we regressing? Why aren't jobs being made? Last question. What happened to paper applications!!!??? Every facility I walk into (yes I physically go) directs potential hires to the HR website. Do these companies really believe that they will find a quality individual electronically? In my eyes the first impression isn't the interview---not even the application/resume, it's in those first few introducing steps while asking for an application and whether or not that company is hiring. Because companies talk. Especially when a newbie comes in, managers do ask employees for impressions. I miss those days. But, this too shall pass, and I soon shall work.

Until then I'll continue working on me. I've brought back painting and I'm finding that my cooking skills are pretty awesome :) Babcia would be proud. Time for shut eye, I have a long day of making myself busy and taking on amazing responsibilities to keep my pleasing needs met.

Poems

 Free for Miles

             Written by, Elizabeth Borkowski 

She felt her spirit climb

Concur the world,

A ‘top of this mount,

She should be the grandest soul

Humble and compliant is she

A lung full of freedom,

Her freedom.

Humble and meek is she.

Miles of nothing but her voice

I wonder.

Who will hear it?

Like lightening on a sunny day

I've realized that the majority of my life is spent pleasing everyone but myself. How can people be so blind to the turmoil one can endure simply to make them happy? Then, on top of it all those that are "people pleasers" become masters of obeying. I hate that. I hate people tell me what to do and they try to make me do it even if I don't want to. Damnit. I am so fed up with all the stress and shit. I am looking for a life of simplicity and soaring-spirits.

This little butterfly is spreading her wings. If you are, no matter who you are, make sure you say what you need to say. Don’t beat around the bushes. Simply tell me what your opinion is and be mature enough to respect mine. Men are worse; there is a random day here and there that they go temporarily insane without explanation. I'm just going to continue doing me and soaking up the time with my parents. :)

mini-meltdowns

       The air is cold. So is my heart. I can't seem to call that kindness. That eagerness to please all around me. my words are so off-th-cuff sometimes I feel their sting. But, do you blame me? So often let down, I don't have faith enough to believe it will all last. When I need it, it's not there. That little umph, that little drive to step near the edge. But, what will catch me when I fall? Is anyone really out there? Or are they always around me? Am I so protected by my own blinders that I won't let them in? Are they strong enough to tear down the scaffolding in my soul and rip down the Great Wall of Distrust around my heart?

       Sometimes I wonder if although I say to live life with no regrets, I really may not be able to live up to it. I regret a lot in my life. I regret the both the things that made me such a great person now and killed the person I used to be. I miss her. I miss the glee and the sureness she had. I miss loving love and believing in fairy tales. I would love to turn the hourglass back over and rewind to the child. I want to go back and save the child that is lying there lost and broken somewhere. Forgotten. Abandoned.

      I truly don't think anyone is strong enough to fight my demons. I really wouldn't want you too. But, if you do choose to stand at my side, I would hope that you are blessed with the patients to accept me for all my wasted potential, every clumsily stitched up scar, every unexpected tear, and take them in stride. I have meltdowns privately while in public. I'm perfect at smiling at you with all the right things to say, even though inside I am defending and fighting at the same time. I feel like a waste of space although I'm constantly trying to convince myself and everyone else that I believe otherwise. I fear assassination. I fear its already been done.

     I want to talk, but I can't explain. I can't explain because I don't understand. It just makes sense in my head. I can't tell you how I feel or put it into words without feeling Emo-freakish. I want to share with you but I can't explain. Fall back, take a look at me and you'll I'm for real. Don't call me with a compromise, certain things are out of control in my head. Breakdown. Thats what I'm scared of...

     I know I can never win. Why should I have to wait, just look the other way? All these dreams have come to an end. Seems like yesterday I fell fast out of the sky, and tomorrow I might not get by. But i have to try. Everyday is a new day I'm reminded of my past. So many highs and lows. My head spins. but my skin is thicker. I'm a blossoming fighter. I just need to get over the hate.